This is a little personal, so if you want you can just skip on to another webpage...
This is hard to say without sounding all dramatic and shocking, so I'll just out with it. I had a miscarriage about 2 weeks ago.
If you know me really well and don't want to be too sad you might just want to skip the rest of this. I want to be able to write freely on this blog and I just need to share. It feels weird to "hold back" when I write about what's going on here. As you can guess, this has affected everything lately and it will continue to in the future. I also know someone else who needs it might just come across this.
About 2 months ago I found out I was pregnant again. Michael and I were both very happy. It was not a total surprise, but not something we were totally planing on (I had an IUD placed that went missing). Nevertheless, we were excited. Following my blood test at the clinic, they determined I needed an ultrasound to make sure the IUD really was gone. No big deal. The ultrasound was negative for the IUD, but the corpsman couldn't see a baby either. There was a fetal sac. Not a totally big deal... it was still early and may not have been visible yet. They said to continue as usual. I googled to my hearts content and made my OB appointment. Two days before my appointment (a week and a half later) I started spotting, so I headed to the ER. They saw the same as the first ultrasound (or did not see, as the case may be). They told me to follow up with my OB and I was discharged with a threatened miscarriage.
The next day I went to the OB. He did another quick ultrasound and told me I likely had what is know as a blighted ovum. Basically the baby stopped developing very early on, but the sac continued. That's why I was still having pregnancy symptoms (bad morning sickness and fatigue as well as the positive tests). He sent me to have some specific labs drawn the next day. Then I had the long wait over the weekend... it was rough. I would flip from sadness to hopefulness minute to minute. Finally on Monday a got a call back from the nurse... she just made another appointment for me the next day.
This time they ultrasound tech did my scan. She took her time and looked at everything, but still saw no baby. I was sent out to wait. Then I met with the OB and got the official bad word. She told me my choices. I could wait for things to happen naturally or have a D&C. I chose to wait and got an appointment for the following week.
It was a long week, just waiting for things to happen, but nothing ever did. Finally my appointment came. I set up my appointment to go in to have the D&C. After "knowing" for about a month, I was relieved not to have to wait anymore, but I still feel like I gave up... I think I'll alway feel that way, even though I know better in my head.
So on a Tuesday I had the D&C. If you follow my blog you saw my post on Monday about how I was a wreck and was actually cleaning. It was fine... no reason to worry. I have recovered physically very quickly. I was amazed at how sick I actually had been. By that following Friday, I felt better than I've felt in several months.
Emotionally I'm okay. I'm sad sometimes... especially when I take time to think about it. I have a strange aversion to ultrasound machines and driving to the OB's office. My house has stayed very clean (for me). It's something to do and it makes me feel good to have a clean shiny kitchen and clear floors. Overall, I am happy and pretty peaceful... I understand how and why this happened, although I don't know why. Yes I just contradicted myself. This experience has clearly shown me that our heads and hearts are two totally different things.
So that's what happened in slightly more than 20 words. Feel free to ask if you have any questions. I'll probably answer... ;-)
On a happier note, we have decided we do want another biological baby (for sure), so stay tuned and in a while we might have a happy announcement. And if you can, on Dec 19th please say a special prayer for me. It will be a hard day.