Thoughts

A bit sad right now.

I'm not 18 weeks pregnant. I'm not beginning to feel a baby.

I thought I felt better, but right now it's all new again. I stumbled across another woman's blog... she had a miscarriage recently as well. She wrote what she was feeling. How one minute she was pregnant and then she wasn't. How she dreads her period and what it means. How the thought of a positive pregnancy test is so scary... what if it happens again? Yup... I'm right there.

I've been thinking all these things and then just stuffing them deep into my mind. Can't deal with that now. Push it down. It will go away. But it doesn't. I'm angry and hurt. Right now I feel alone... like I'm the only one who knew the baby. Like to others it wasn't even there.

Sorry I'm so raw tonight. This too will pass, but I think I just had to write this.

I ran!

I ran! I ran!

I kinda can't believe it. As I started with my warm up walk yesterday, my head was a mess. There were various thoughts of being too fat, it being too hot, and such. In the end, the main theme was, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!" It was amazing the amount of negativity that went through my head in 5 minutes time. Finally the time to run came. I told my brain to shut up. I focused on moving my feet and breathing... and I kept glancing at my watch. The minute went by much faster than I thought it would. Then I walked again. I tried to keep out the bad stuff like how much I was probably jiggling and how the people in that car that passed must thing I'm some deluded fat girl. Then it was time to run again. This patterned continued. In the end, my head was nearly clear of those dirty thoughts.

As I stretched I was amazed that I did it. I did it! I ran! I ran!

Wow...

this is so what I feel right now. Check out this post and this post from Veronica at Toddled Dredge. I just love the thoughts that Veronica shared. I love the thought of dignity instead of modesty.

I've been struggling with defining modesty "guidelines" that we will have in our family. Clara is a beautiful little girl and I'm sure she will be a beautiful young woman. I think if we make a big deal about being modest as she grows she will be hypersensitive and self conscious. I figured we'd just emphasize that our bodies are special and that in our family we don't wear bikinis or show our crack when we bend over and such. But it's still a daunting task! Dignity is so much easier! :-)

Did you ever...

have an intense longing? A feeling you may have missed something? The idea that you should have worked harder at something? I'm feeling a lot of that right at this minute. Hmm... what to do about it?

On a controversy

So... yet another movie is coming out based on yet another book. Hmm... I must admit that I am a little concerned about the whole killing God thing and the interviews the author has given, but I can't say that leads me to a boycott. I haven't even read the book. Anyhow, someone already wrote a brilliant summary of my feelings on this subject...

Mark Lee on The Golden Compass

Yup... that about states it for me. Personally, I won't see it until it hits video... but that's because I'm lame and can't find a babysitter. ~;-)